A Black White Girl

As I've mentioned before in this blog, most people, in public, have been indifferent about me and my appearance. But a significant number have no shame to express exactly how much they dislike me because of how I dress; it's frequently communicated through disgusted (and worse) looks but as the weather warms, people seem to be more and more vocal about what they think. These people - and I'm now encountering at least one of them nearly every time I go out shopping, regardless of what part of town I'm in - do not even offer me the courtesy of making their comments to my face, so that I can properly answer them. Rather they talk in my presence as if I am not there, like you'd do about an animal or an object, or perhaps an infant. And yes, they do know I can hear and understand them; I have never been mistaken for foreign, and when I have addressed them no one has ever been surprised that I speak English, and without an accent. No, they just don't give a crap - and probably WANT me to hear them so that I know exactly how hated I am. When I became fed up with pretending "that didn't just happen," I started addressing them. Nothing is useful; I've tried a friendly hello-how-are-you, I've tried politely pointing out that I can indeed hear them, and I've tried more direct approaches (last night I called a particularly insulting woman a bigot, and no, I'm not proud of it) and the only response is that they either insult me further or laugh in my face, literally. What kind of people are these? What kind of place fails to instill even the most basic of human courtesies in its native sons and daughters, especially a place that so prides itself on its deeply Christian heritage and identity?

When I first moved here I tried to ignore rude people, tried to handle the situation as if it were high school (they're just ignorant, they're just insecure) but it's gotten worse than that by far. People are less rude now, and far more cruel. It's not ignorance, it's simple, potent hatred. I don't know what's changed, whether it has to do with spring somehow, or if I've misjudged the negative impact of some item in international news. Maybe they're taking their Obama-hatred out on me.

A Black friend who lives in Southeastern Ohio - also not the most welcoming place for anyone not-white - tells me that what I've been experiencing sounds a lot like the racism she has to deal with: that I now know a little about what the American Black experience is like.

In response I'm becoming a person I don't want to be. She advised me to make du'a (pray) for those people who are hateful, but if I ask for anything other than a cosmic two-by-four for them (and I don't mean enlightenment) my prayer is insincere. I'm suspicious of people; if this number of people that I randomly pass actually express their hatred towards me, how many others are thinking the same thing. I'm beginning to hate the people here and not only the place.

I'm going to have to do something, though, for my own sanity. Two evenings in a row this week I've come home crying and furious (punch-holes-in-walls angry) because of the people I encountered. Last night I actually wanted to get into a physical fight with that woman whom I called a bigot - I who have never been in a fight in my life. If I don't find a better way to manage, I'm going to hurt someone, probably myself. And if I capitulate and take off my identifying clothes and hijab for a conformist persona, then in my psyche they've won: I will not only resent everyone around me even more, I will also enter more deeply into depression because all of that anger I'm feeling will turn inward, adding to my feelings of failure and weakness.

And, honestly, I was just starting to think that Indianapolis wasn't all that bad after all, that there was a possibility that I could carve out a tolerable niche for myself here.

Perhaps I could, but only if I stopped dressing like a Muslim.