Displacement

~
I said goodbye to another family whom I am close to tonight. They leave Sunday, insha Allah, but I will be returning from a conference in St. Louis (Global Fusion)and won't be able to see them off at the airport. They're driving to Dulles anyway, to avoid the baggage hassles of switching planes. I am very saddened because I cannot accompany them to the airport, as I did that for Anwar and for Fattmah, and Amel (and her daughter) mean just as much to me, and have had as significant an impact on my faith and religion, as the others did.

Visiting with Amel and her daughter Fatima always makes me more conscious of the division of the spheres of my life. My life as a Muslim is in many facets distinct from my life in academia, and the two only seem to be increasing in distance. I found myself wondering earlier today, as I contemplated what to pack for the conference (complicated by the fact that what I wear on the plane tomorrow is what I will be presenting my paper in, no opportunity to go to my hotel to freshen up) - I wondered how my experiments with niqab will affect my potential future career in academia. I don't have any role models in this, certainly not in the West. Any university I would apply to would consider niqab a barrier to communication (a la Jack Straw), and if it is perceived that way, of course that is what it becomes.

Then I started wondering if I can even be a mujalbaba (one who wears jilbab/overgarments) in academia. Even hijab is a potential barrier, especially if the market is competitive. I have to be just *that* much better than anyone else would have to be, just to compete equally with my peers.

How do I own, and justify, two very different wardrobes, one for university and one for the rest of my life? I can be accepted if I'm modestly dressed, but not if I'm TOO modestly dressed. This seems ridiculous. This is supposed to be the most forward-thinking of American institutions, but even they have their limits.